Christian and Syed
by christianaddict
Summary: Christian and Syed-ongoing ,sexually explicit in parts.Exploring love, religion, relationships and violence. Love reviews!
1. Chapter 1

_This is the beginning of a long story about my absolute favourite T.V couple. They're just perfect to write about. I hope you enjoy and once we have gone past the immediate things that happen I hope to expand the story into whole new territory. Please keep checking for new chapters and especially appreciate feedback/reviews as it inspires the writing knowing you actually have readers!! Thanks_

Christian and Syed following on from Friday 16th September

Chapter One. Christian and Syed

Syed's face was full of emotion. Christian could hardly bear to look at him. ." I couldn't do it- I'm sorry." He looked at Christian pleading with his eyes for Christian to understand "I was going to,….I really wanted to. She needs me too much right now, I… couldn't hurt her."

"But hurting me is okay is it?" Christian knew at that moment it was always going to be like this. Syed would never tell his family, or his precious Amira. Syed could still barely admit his feelings to himself. It just wasn't enough, "Then you made your choice" Christian said. He got up and walked. He had to get out, now, anywhere, as long as it was away from Syed. He felt sick, shaky.

Christian had never felt so vulnerable to anyone, never felt such an addictive compulsion for any man until Syed. The more Syed fought his feelings for Christian, the more intensely he expressed them when they were alone together. The passion consumed them both.

Until he'd met Syed, Christian had been confident in himself. When he'd first come out as a young man, he'd often had to deal with people's ignorance, even outright hostility. But he wasn't the type to become bitter or defensive. He had a healthy self respect, and a developed sense of humour and until recently was not afraid to challenge any prejudice. Lately though, he had found himself uncharacteristically biting his tongue on more than one occasion. The recent violent attack he'd received, the emotional turmoil with Syed had shaken him, left him open and hurting. He had taken more ignorant remarks from Syed's mother than anyone should have to deal with. '_Enough_,' he thought as he headed home.

James was still there, zipping up his bag. He looked up as Christian came in. "Sorry," he apologised, immediately feeling in the way. "Took me longer than I expected to find somewhere….. I left the food in the fridge to say thank you."James cared for him. Christian knew James would stay if he asked and he was here _now_, free from conflict, uncomplicated. All Christian wanted was to get rid of the feeling that was gripping his insides. He needed to dull the pain, to take it away. He threw James' bag on the bed. Walking towards him, he moved in deliberately close, so there could be no mistaking his intention "Don't worry 'bout it," he paused, holding James' gaze, "we can … eat it later." He pulled James to him.

At first he was tender, but his need to drive Syed from his mind made him more aggressive in his lovemaking. James responded instantly to Christian. He'd always found Christian attractive. Who wouldn't? Christian was a beautiful man. What most attracted him was Christian's confidence and sheer physical presence. Christian pulled him down to the bed, kissing him, undoing his belt, sure in his movements. And then just like that everything stopped, someone was ringing the door bell and Christian was pulling away. James, still breathing heavily, hardly knew what was happening. He sat up, reaching for Christian to pull him back to the bed, still full of desire. "C'mon, Christian, _leave_ _it._" But Christian was all ready standing up, doing up his trousers. The bell rang again, more insistent.

"James will _you_ answer it?" Christian said.

"Are you serious?….Can't we just leave it?"

"James, … please, answer it" Bewildered, James got up, did up his belt and picked up the intercom. The voice on the other end came through immediately, "It's me, Syed." James looked at Christian and put his hand over the receiver.

"It's Syed…what do you want me to say… shall I let him in?"

"Tell him it's late ….no …I'll tell him," Christian said, covering the space in one stride and taking the receiver from James.

"What do you want Syed?"

"I need to talk to you Christian, open the door."

"It's late Sy, I'm busy."

"Christian, please, let me in,"

Christian pressed the door release. 'Let him come,' he thought knowing full well what Syed would see, would think. As soon as Syed entered the room, he took in the scene – the atmosphere in the room was charged, James was still breathing fast, his chest rising and falling, and the bed sheets were in disarray. Syed felt as if he'd been stabbed, so sharp and quick were his jealousy and anger. He fought to hold it down, to keep his voice steady.

"James," he acknowledged, "Still here?" He couldn't keep the accusatory tone out of his voice and James noticed and was surprised.

Syed looked at Christian, 'Oh, God forgive me,' he thought. He knew then, if he hadn't known before, that he loved Christian, wanted him like he could never want Amira.

"You know what Syed? If you've come to talk about work, or moan about your mother, forget it, it's late, James and I are about to go to bed." Christian said the words quietly, with deliberation, knowing their effect. "So whatever it is, it's going to have to wait."

"You know I'm not here about work Christian," said Syed challenging him.

Right then, he didn't care if James knew, he_ wanted_ him to know; more than that, he wanted James to know that Christian was _his_. James looked from one to the other and realisation hit him. All those questions Syed had asked, seemingly so casually, the friendly warning to steer clear, Christian's erratic behaviour.

"Christian, I'm gonna go."

"James, wait, I'm sorry …. …" But all James wanted at that moment was to be gone. He was in the way; he felt it and he wanted to be out of that room, fast. He felt somehow dirty. All the feeling of half an hour before had vanished and been replaced by the cold reality that Christian was consumed by someone else. He grabbed his packed bag and without looking at Syed said with some bitterness, "I'll see you around Christian"

"_James _I'll call you_…_" said Christian, but James was all ready closing the door.

"What do you want Syed? – I've told you I'm not doing this anymore, I want you to go."

Christian moved to the kitchen, Syed followed standing in the doorway.

"_Ahh Syed_, just _go _will you. James has gone, You've got what you wanted haven't you? Mission accomplished, run back to Amira, that's how it goes isn't it?"

For the first time that night, Christian looked Syed full in the face and Syed saw him then, as if he'd never really seen him before, as if a layer had been removed, a veil that he'd blinded himself with. _Christian_, clear in his self belief. At that moment all Syed wanted was to cut this thing out of himself, this shame. He was a coward. He couldn't live up to anyone's expectations, least of all, his own. He had failed everyone and everything that really mattered to him. 'You're too hard on yourself,' his father had said to him only yesterday- 'I'm proud of you son.' But Syed knew what he was, and now all he wanted was to attack Christian, force Christian to fight him back. He wanted Christian to hurt him, he wanted to hurt and be hurt. As if somehow that would absolve him, cleanse him.

"It didn't take you long to move on, that must be a record even for you" he said bitterly. " He moved closer, his features twisted with jealously and self loathing

"Good is he? What did you tell him?_ 'If you want me you can have me,"_ he said mocking Christian with his own words, trying to goad him. He knew this _must_ hurt. Christian had said them earlier that day with such naked, open hearted feeling.

"_Get out."_ said Christian,

And then Syed leapt and pushed Christian so hard he fell against the sink, taking him by surprise, banging his hip painfully against the side of the counter. Syed was no fighter, but he was wiry and his emotion was driving him. He came at Christian again, before Christian had time to recover, pulling him down and then they were wrestling on the cold kitchen floor. Christian held him then. Of the two, Christian had the edge when it came to sheer physical power. He pinned Syed down with the full length of his body, holding his arms. Christian lifted his head and Syed looked up at him, eyes dark, lifted his head to meet Christian's and then they were kissing, both of then drowning in the powerful intensity of their connection.

…Syed's body was burning, every bit of him was melting, turning to heat and liquid and the tightness between his legs was so hard and sweet he groaned. Christian pulled away a little, risked moving his hand from Syed's arm to his belt. "Nothing happened Sy, nothing, do you understand me?" He undid Syed's trousers, Syed moaning for him. He undid his own, still holding Syed down with one arm. Syed moved against Christian, felt his blood pounding, the cold floor, the heat and skin and stiffness of them both. Christian, kissed his neck, his mouth, using his tongue, running one hand up and down Syed's slim form, pulling open his shirt, kissing more deeply now, tasting him. Then he rolled onto his back, Syed with him, not breaking the contact and Syed kept up the pressure his movements slower now, more sensual.

"Sy, I want to be inside you,"

The first night they had spent together Christian asked but Syed had refused. He felt that if he could resist this one thing then somehow he had kept some honour with his religion. But in this moment there was only Christian.

"Okay" he said, his voice so quiet and suffused with passion Christian wasn't sure if he'd heard it or not.

Without speaking Syed pulled away, got up and walked to the bed. This thing with Christian seemed to have a life of its own. And now here, for him, on the edge of the abyss, there was no going back. He lay face down, felt a little cold and then Christian was behind him kissing his neck, his back, turning him on his side and running his hands over Syed's thighs, between his legs, warming him, rubbing oil into him, making him harder again and then using his finger to help Syed. He took his time and Syed relaxed. Syed could feel himself, slippery with oil, then Christian was entering him, carefully at first and then with a little more force, sweeter and deeper until Syed felt he couldn't breathe, that he was transformed. The rhythm and the heat of Christian's thrusts were bringing Syed to a point of explosion, absolution. Christian lifted him then, held his hips and Syed pushed back. He could feel Christian's balls against his buttocks, it seemed indescribably erotic. Then they were both coming, Christian deep inside him, Syed spontaneously, freely all over himself. They lay there for a long time, Christian completely covering Syed's body, breathing together. Syed laid one cheek against the bed and Christian stroked his face, so gently, that Syed almost wept with the overwhelming tenderness he felt.

"Christian," he began.

"Syed, don't say anything"

Later they got up, cold and sticky, moved to the shower, Syed leading Christian this time. They didn't speak and Syed could feel the sadness in Christian. It was always there, in the back of Christian's mind. However wonderful this was, it was stolen time. Syed would go back to Amira and there would come a day when it wouldn't be enough. He didn't want to think about that day coming. Christian turned his back, leaned his forehead to the wall, folded his arms above his head and as the hot water pounded them; Syed pressed against him, loving the indecent joy of flesh on flesh, the hardness of Christian's body. All Syed wanted at that moment was to reassure him. He kissed Christian, took the lead, soaping him, running his hands all over him, stroking him, soothing him, trying to make him know all he felt.

In the morning it was Syed who woke first. His mind was troubled. His religion, what made him the man he was and wanted to be, was in conflict with these new feelings. He shouldn't think this way. It wasn't right to feel this much desire for and surrender to, another human being. But through Christian he felt that he was beginning to discover his true nature in all senses of the word. The Qur'an itself taught that life was a test for the individual to come to know his nature.

He looked at Christian, in the innocence of sleep, 'I love him but I'm so full of fear,' he admitted to himself, ' but I do know what's in my heart, and what I have to do.' The thought of facing his family terrified him but he knew he couldn't go on with the lies. Christian stirred then, woke and reached for Syed laying his head on Syed's chest and Syed held him.

"Christian, I'm gonna tell them today. I need to be with you, I can't keep lying to myself and I have to stop this wedding. Amira should know the truth"

Syed felt the most alive he'd felt in a long time. Full of the energy that inner conviction brought. He moved Christian onto his back and Christian didn't protest, still sleepy and afraid that if he woke fully he'd find that Syed had not just said those words. He lay still, not wanting the moment to end... Syed pulled the covers back, the room was warm, he moved down the length of Christian's body until his face was next to Christian's groin. He took Christian in his mouth then, something he had done to no other man. He loved that he could make Christian harder, make him moan with pleasure. He licked, sucked and teased, pressing his head against Christian, until Christian buried his hand in Syed's hair and came. Christian was all over Syed, in his mouth, on his face and hair and Syed loved it, the taste of him, the tension between the beauty of their connection and the deep lust of it all.

Christian woke later to find Syed gone. Syed had left a note which read,

'Christian, wait for me '

All day Christian stayed in the flat, moving things around, showering, watching TV that didn't interest him, making food he wasn't hungry for. His mind ran over and over the last twelve hours. Why did Syed have have this effect on him? He'd never been more scared in his life. Last night was beautiful and even this morning he had allowed himself to believe that Syed would face up to everyone. But now, here on his own, it seemed impossible. Syed was asking him to be patient yet again and he didn't know how much longer he could go on.

Syed had left Christian's early. A number of people saw him leaving the flat including Roxy who was on her way to the doctors for Amy's check up. 'No way' she thought and immediately put the idea out of her mind-Syed was engaged – it was Monday morning; they worked in the same place. It was nothing. Yet the idea kept nagging at her. Christian had been really preoccupied over the last few months and the old jokey Christian had been replaced with someone more serious, absorbed. 'Course, he still hasn't got over the attack' she thought but still, she knew there was something else bothering Christian. Later, she called at the flat but there was no answer. Christian had seen her coming down the street and couldn't face her.

Syed went straight to Amira's.

Amira felt physically sick. This could not be happening. Not Syed. How could this be true? Part of her had known for a long time that Syed was not fully hers. She had felt it, thought maybe he was seeing another woman -tried not to think it. But this? And with Christian? Unbidden pictures came into her mind. No! It was disgusting! Not Syed! What was she going to do? Syed was luminous, he didn't even seem ashamed. He was full of concern for her, but Amira could feel that something was released in him. He looked terribly tired but also somehow full of light and energy.

"I need to go and see my parents, while I've still got the courage. I am so sorry Amira, truly, I didn't set out to hurt you. I did love you; I do love you, you're beautiful."

"So why can't that be enough for you?" Amira said.

"Amira I just can't do it, it's not you, you're wonderful, any man you choose is a lucky man. It just ….can't be me." said Syed,

"I have to be honest. It's been tearing me up. I've been so confused… but surely it's better I tell you now than we marry... I'll only hurt you."

Amira could hardly believe what she was hearing. It seemed so shocking that he was actually saying those words. Syed left then and Amira cried as if her heart would break. Where could she go now? She would be an outcast. Syed had lost his mind. This couldn't be the end of it; someone must _make_ him see sense.


	2. Chapter 2

_Whilst I actually think Syed as he is played in Eastenders would be very unlikely to ever come out voluntarily I wanted him to for this story. I hope you like this chapter although there is a lot of sadness. It has made me do a bit of research into the Muslim faith which is fascinating and for those of you who are interested there is a fantastic documentary on YOU TUBE made by channel four a few years ago looking at what it is like to be Bristish, Gay and Muslim. There are also some very good forums and personal experiences on the net. Reviews greatly appreciated._

Chapter two –Syed tells his parents

When Syed got to his parents, his mother was still in her dressing gown, boiling the kettle, cooking eggs. His father was sitting at the table reading the paper. They looked so relaxed, Syed almost lost his nerve. Zainab started on him as soon as he walked through the door.

"Morning Mum, Dad, Tamwar" he said acknowledging his brother who sat in the corner reading.

"Syed, where have you been? Have you been out all night again? It's no way to carry on Syed. You will soon be a married man. What is this need to stay at your friends so often when you have a perfectly good bed here at home to sleep in?"

" I haven't been with my friends" said Syed feeling sick with nerves, "I've been with the person I love.

"Am I hearing right, are you telling me that you have stayed all night at Amira's?" Zainab's voice had risen to a dangerous pitch "Do you not understa…"

"No Mum, I'm not saying that …I stayed at Christian's."

"Christian's!" said both his mother and father. Tamwar raised his head from his book

"Why would you stay at Christian's? You can easily walk back from his," said his father

"Syed, have you lost your mind?" said Zainab. "What will people think if they see you leaving Christian's in the morning? The man is a homosexual. If people ever thought that about you…. It would be easier for us to say you were dead! Why would you stay at Christian's?"

Syed looked at his mother, willing her to understand, to stop him having to say it. She had always forgiven him first, loved him the best.

"Wait a minute, said Tamwar. "I swear you just said… didn't you just say… you stayed with the… person you love?"

Syed couldn't answer, he felt hot. The situation seemed to have an unreal quality, as if he were watching himself doing this thing, telling his parents. He looked at his mother and she saw the admission in his face.

"No," said Zainab, shaking her head, she looked terrified. She laughed nervously and then, like a sudden change of weather, her face clouded, turned an ashen grey, as if drained of blood "No, Syed,"she said again shaking her head.

His father spoke.

"Syed?"

"Of course, they were sorting out wedding details!" said Zainab. "And it got late, you didn't want to disturb us, that's it Syed, yes?" she said the words quickly, confidently, as if she could will them to be true, replace the reality.

"No Mum," said Syed quietly, inwardly asking for strength, thinking of Christian waiting for him, Christian who loved him, whom he loved.

"Tamwar's right ... I said I stayed with the person I 'm in love with."

There was a deathly silence in the room

"Is this some sort of… confession you're making Syed?" said his father

"Syed you're frightening me, said Zainab, "this is not something to joke about! Why would you say such a thing? I want you to stop this right now."

"No Zee, listen to him, I think Syed is trying to tell us something, another thing we don't know about, and Syed you really beat them all when it comes to revelations don't you? You know I was just starting to relax and actually believe that you wanted to contribute to this family, rather than tear it down."

"Dad," said Syed. He could feel his whole body shaking. "I don't want to hurt any of you; you matter more than anything to me. I'm just trying to be honest, to show you who I am."

"No Syed!" said Zainab. "Y... you…you're just confused. I know it is hard for you modern young men to wait, maybe you have developed some strange ideas but you should be pleased that Amira is a good girl and you'll soon be marri…."

"Mum please!" begged Syed cutting her short. "I am not confused, not any more. I have just seen Amira. I've told her, she knows mum. This is not a new feeling, I've always felt it, I've just been fighting it. I would give anything not to be this way. I've had to hide it from you, from everyone. I wish I could be the person you want me to be, make you proud of me. But the wedding. I can't go through with it. I so much wanted your love, your approval, I've been going along with it but I can't do that to Amira. Can't you see? It's been torture trying to live this double life, trying to be something I'm not. I am trying to be honest… to face up rather than running away…"

Masood made a noise of disbelief, "And when did this' honesty is the best policy' start to kick in, Syed? Who else knows? Or are we the first to be blessed with your honesty?"

"No, no Syed – this is not true, I won't believe it. You have been corrupted, brainwashed." said Zainab

"Listen to him Zee, listen to what he is telling us..." said Masood

"No I will not listen! It's your fault!" said Zainab rounding on her husband, furious in her disbelief and distress. "You have never loved him properly – so jealous of your own son, "

"Mum please!"

"You be quiet Syed, I know what is happening here!" She turned back to her husband "He's searching for a proper father figure, and _that _is why he has made this mistake, has turned to Christian!" she shrieked the words looking wild eyed, horrified.

Masood stood up

"How dare you throw that at me Zainab? How dare you accuse me of not loving my own son? I took him back after everything he did. I let him in our house and I trusted him all over again. It is you who have divided us by _always_ putting him first and now Zainab here is your precious son telling us himself who he is and still you refuse to hear him, to really see him. You want him to be who he is in your head. You've always looked at him and seen him how you want him to be. But that is not who he is Zee and I have _always_ known that and loved him anyway!"

"Dad!" said Syed, his eyes filling with tears, his face full of hope, taking a step toward his father.

"Don't touch me Syed, you stay where you are. It's always you at the centre of this family's troubles. Your mother is blind when it comes to you. Blind. So Zee how are we going to deal with this? You can't sweep this away. Our son is telling us he is homosexual – he is also telling us Zainab, that he has been with this man, maybe other men too.

"You made the wrong choice brother." said Tamwar with disgust.

"It's not a choice! You think I would choose this? I'd do anything to make it different, it's who I am Tamwar."

"NO!" shouted Zainab. "No I will not listen to any of you any more. You have got a disease Syed, a disease of the mind. You are not well, you need help. It is living in this depraved society. This could never happen in Pakistan... That Christian, flaunting it everywhere like it is acceptable to do these filthy things!"

"Please don't talk about him like that"

"He has corrupted your mind! Spreading his illness to my family! We must deal with this, we will get help for you Syed. You must see a doctor, a psychiatrist, and you must pray for forgiveness. Pray every day, every hour until you are yourself again. We will send you to Pakistan and you will stay with family there. We will say you are ill with stress from overwork"

"Zainab" said Masood shaking his head.

"Mum," Syed was weeping, "Mum you have to stop. In Pakistan I can be stoned for who I am. It's not an illness. I have been on the internet and there are so many other people like me, Muslims, mum, people who love their faith and their families, in Pakistan too."

"Yes mum" he said talking over her noises of protest "They marry and make their lives and their wives lives a misery and a mockery! They hide what they do; they live in fear every day. It's no life. I'm born here mum and I'm born this way. I know it is forbidden, but please try and understand what it's been like for me!"

"You selfish…." Tamwar began, but Syed continued

"I've prayed every day to be to be different, to be able to make you happy. I've denied these feelings, treated Christian terribly and he's kept loving me mum, he's kept loving me. I've lied to Amira. Would you rather I hide? Treat the people I love with cruelty and disrespect? Lie to you, to Amira? Islam says it is a sin, but it is not the only interpretation, many Muslim scholars acknowledge this. I read the prophet Lut again and again for answers and it says that men are punished for rape and abuse not for consenting with someone they love. There are all sorts of people in this world, I have prayed, I have asked for help. I've been to the Imam..."

"You what?" said Tamwar

"I had to talk to someone, I needed answers and he gave me nothing, but I couldn't lie to him."

"You seem to have managed pretty well up to now" said Tamwar, not hiding his contempt.

"Yeah Tam, but you're capable of lying too, remember?" said Syed "You didn't want to let your family down either"

"You can't compare....!" began Tamwar, but his mother cut in.

"Syed I tell you again, we will get you help and you must marry Amira soon – we will bring the wedding forward and this will help these 'urges to go away."

"Are you completely out of your mind woman? Our son is telling us he is a homosexual! He can not marry Amira. It is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Would you wish that upon your daughter? He will make Amira's life a misery. She doesn't deserve that. Syed you are bringing a shame upon us all, we will all suffer if people find this out. Our family can't survive this if it comes out. I hope the Imam can keep it quiet. We all know what must happen. You have to leave us Syed. You go find your own way whatever that is. I think you know this all ready. You have made a choice and you have chosen Christian, you have not chosen your family."

"That's not true dad, please try and understand"

"Syed, you need to leave. Take your things and if you have any love for us you will leave the square, take that man with you. We can not work with him any longer. If you walk away now Syed. maybe I can still find some respect for you, for that."

"Dad…I'm so sorry ... I"

"Syed, I want to remember that you had enough care for us to walk away and not humiliate and shame us further. _We _still have to face our community."

Zainab sat head in hands weeping uncontrollably, making sounds of intense pain.

"Mum"

Tamwar had his arm around her. He looked at Syed and Syed could see no compassion in his eyes. His father looked suddenly very old and tired. Syed, his eyes blinded with tears hunched his shoulders and left, stepping into a darkness and emptiness that he couldn't face alone. He needed Christian. Christian's strength, Christian's arms to hold him. Only Christian would tell him he had done the right thing. He was heartsick, shivering, feeling one moment hot, the next cold. So this was it. His father was telling him there was no going back. He'd lost nearly everything that mattered in one short hour. He pulled his collar up and headed straight for Christian's, his rock and the only refuge left.


	3. Chapter 3

_A very short chapter in which Christian gets his prince but at a price. I will explore the difficulties they face further in this story and expect heartache and loss as well as great joy and deep love as this story develops. I promise there will be some humour too, eventually,(!) but they've got a bit of a road to travel yet._

Chapter three

As Syed left his family the heavens opened and it rained so hard that within minutes there were great rivers of water running down the sides of the road. Syed could barely see where he was going. He arrived at Christian's just minutes after leaving his parents, but he was all ready soaked to the skin. When Christian opened the door his first feeling was relief but that was quickly replaced by concern. He could see Syed was distressed.

"I've told them Christian; they never want to see me again"

He looked so desolate standing there in the middle of the room that Christian didn't know what to say and so getting towels he did all the practical things, took Syed's wet clothes, ran him a hot bath, almost as if he were caring for a small child and Syed let him. Later when he'd got dry they lay on the bed together and just held each other. Christian knew this was a defining moment in his life. He had fought for this man but had never really allowed himself to believe that this day would come. Syed had battled his feelings so much and Christian was fully aware of what it had taken him to come to this point, how much Syed had given up to be with him. It created a deep feeling of protectiveness toward him.

It was completely new for Christian to feel the vulnerability of deep love. No one else had come even close to making him feel the way Syed did. He lay awake long after Syed had fallen into a deep, exhausted sleep, listening to his breathing and just drinking in the sight of him.


	4. Chapter 4

_The whole family is struggling. I portray Zainab's feelings of loss here but in one of my other stories there will be an alternative scenario where Syed does not come out voluntarily and Zainab will be more vicious and aggressive in her treatment of who she believes is to blame._ Please keep the reviews coming and thanks for your lovely comments so far.

Chapter four

In the days that followed Masood went through many emotions. He and Zainab were barely speaking. He was sleeping on the settee and Zainab spent most of her time in the bedroom lying on the bed, face turned to the wall. Part of him wanted to reach out to her but he was also furious at the things she had said and with how she was now behaving. He had so many conflicting thoughts; he felt his mind would explode. It helped him to do practical things and so he and Tamwar set about cancelling all the wedding arrangements that had been provisionally made. They told family members that the wedding had been postponed indefinitely for now. They hinted at a problem in Amira's family which strictly speaking was true. Nevertheless, Masood felt guilty doing it. They avoided their wider Muslim community and didn't visit the mosque. The Imam eventually came to see them and they thanked him for his concern but neither he not they talked about the real issue.

Tanwar volunteered to go and see Amira. He was so in awe of her beauty he could never talk to her properly. To him she was the ideal woman, although much of that had to do with the way he imagined her to be rather than who she really was. He explained, awkwardly, what had happened with Syed. Once Amira realised that Syed had actually told his parents she knew he wasn't coming back. She arranged to go and stay with a friend in Parliament Hill and within three days she had left the Square. Masood was grateful. Tamwar wondered miserably if he'd ever see her again.

Once, Masood had seen Christian in the distance, coming from the shop with a bag of groceries He made sure Christian couldn't see him but he continued to watch as Christian crossed the square. At that moment he felt that Syed was truly lost to him. He felt unable to comprehend how his son could lie with a man. He watched the way Christian walked; it was as if he'd never really seen him before. With new eyes and thoughts he saw Christian as if there was a sense of otherness about him, something not quite right in the way he looked and moved.

Dark half formed pictures came into Masood's mind of this man and his son and he felt sick with disgust. His fury with Syed grew as he thought about the hell that he was putting them all through. He hadn't even had the decency to leave yet. He was quite sure Syed was still at Christian's.

Masala Queen was impossible to maintain and business had ground to a halt. Relationships with Ian Beale were strained to breaking point. Jane had left Ian only weeks before and as yet there still was no sign that she would be coming back. Masood strongly missed her to confide in and right now he felt the lack of her very much but then he remembered it was her brother that was at the centre of this nightmare and she would probably be supportive of him.

Zainab lay staring at the wall. She ached for Maz to understand how much she needed him but she also felt a deep anger toward him because she needed someone to blame for the terrible pain she was feeling. Pictures of Syed playing as a little boy kept tormenting her mind. Snap shots of him over the years. Zainab loved him so very much. Her beautiful boy. The thought of never seeing Syed again and of what he might be doing filled her with horror.

After five days, Tamwar couldn't take any more of the atmosphere in the house and so he phoned Shabnam, told her what had happened and begged her to come home. Her mother needed her and yes it was an emergency.


	5. Chapter 5

Its all new territory for these two and it has hardly begun but despite everything I want them to make it -_eventually!_

Chapter five

It was two weeks before Christian and Syed left the Square. Christian had managed to get them a twelve month house sit through a friend of a friend. It was only a few miles away but far enough for them to both feel more relaxed. It was fully furnished and ready to move in to. They agreed to put most of Christian's belongings in storage for the time being until they got their own place. It felt strange to be discussing such a thing. They were both exploring new territory on every level. Acknowledging their togetherness had given them both a new sense of themselves, a shift in their self perception. It was a strange time of adjustment for them both

The only people Christian told were Jane and Roxy and he asked Roxy to be discreet just this once and understand what a big deal it was for Syed. She was upset that Christian was leaving but Christian assured her it wasn't goodbye. They'd just have to make the effort to keep in touch. She teased him about how she'd seen Syed leaving Christian's flat and he joked back but she'd known Christian long enough to see that something had changed. He was a lot more serious and very protective of Syed .

When he phoned Jane and told her she was shocked. She'd had no idea about the two of them. She was happy that her 'little brother' was so in love and let him know that she was always there for him if he needed her. Privately she was worried. She felt there would be a lot of challenges for them both. She had often talked with Maz and knew about Syed's background. She hoped he wasn't using her brother in any way.

Ian was his usual sensitive self. He realised the truth and made various crass remarks but Christian gave him an extra three months rent for the lack of notice and paid him a lump sum as a way of exiting the business. It left Christian with very little savings, but it was worth it to sever the ties, keep Ian happy and more to the point, quiet. Christian heaved a sigh of relief once the transaction was over. He promised to phone the kids and Lucy in particular was upset that he was going, but they had so much going on in their own lives that they weren't that interested in what Uncle Christian was doing

Syed had not left Christian's flat once in that two weeks. He had no desire to further humiliate his family and Christian was patient and understanding, doing all the stuff that needed to be done outside There were so many practical things to sort out and Christian kept Syed busy, packing boxes, making phone calls and organising removals.

Syed felt a constant mix of emotions. He relived the scene with his parents over and over in his mind. The thought of his mother's pain was the worst. He knew how much she loved him. At times he had felt suffocated by her but he loved her dearly and the thought of her distress caused him deep shame. He prayed daily that his family would one day understand.

There was however a big weight that had been lifted from his shoulders, being with Christian felt natural and right. They settled easily into each other's company. Christian was so blatantly happy to have Syed there, every day,at last, that Syed couldn't help but be infected by it. They laughed a lot even though Syed felt a great deal of loss and grief. Their lovemaking was, if anything, more intense, but they were less frenzied, more gentle and careful with each other. It was early days and Christian knew it would take some time for Syed to relax and accept this new life and new sense of identity. Christian surprised himself with the depth of emotion he felt. He had never experienced anything like it before. It sobered him a little sometimes and he felt a new sense of purpose. For the first time in his life he wanted to make a home with someone. He remembered a conversation with James earlier that year. James had asked him what he had to show for his years and when Christian had talked about his flat and his business, James told him that whatever he had, it meant nothing without someone to share it with. He still felt guilty about James. He'd been a good friend.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter six.

Syed pulled his collar up, pushed his hands deeper in his pockets. There was a biting wind that day and leaves were falling from the trees in showers of red and gold. Syed hardly noticed. He put his head down against the wind and walked as fast as he could to his new job. Both he and Christian had managed to find temporary work to keep themselves going. Christian had taken a job in a local wine bar and he had had got work in a deli. Syed knew he wouldn't be happy with that for long but for the time being it paid the bills. Christian had had some savings but Syed had literally left with nothing.

He and Christian had been living in the new flat for five weeks. Syed had left on his own the night before the move, not wanting anyone to see him. He'd stayed in a bed and breakfast, both agreeing that they wanted to spend the first night in the new flat together. Christian hoped that once they were away from Albert Square, Syed would be more comfortable about them being seen together. He longed for them to just do ordinary things without all the limitations they'd had in Walford. It was true that Syed was beginning to regain the ability to enjoy himself without constantly feeling guilty. Christian was irrepressible He kept encouraging Syed to relax and enjoy their anonymity and one evening, after a film, he had managed to get Syed to go to a club with him. They had danced and laughed and Syed had allowed Christian to be publicly affectionate to him. This was not something he was used to as overt public displays were not encouraged between Muslim couples and with same sex couples it was virtually non existent. It was so easy for Christian who had long ago accepted who he was, but for Syed it was still a huge leap. It was impossible though to resist Christian, who just exuded happiness and had teased and touched Syed all night until Syed had succumbed. They'd gone home and had some noisy sex and Syed had felt happier than he could ever remember.

Syed thought about that night now, smiling to himself as he walked to work and he decided that he would surprise Christian later at the Wine Bar. So far he had not been there. Christian worked different shifts and although he mostly took the lunchtime work, preferring to spend his evenings with Syed, he was working that evening.

He arrived at the Bar just as it was really filling up with people after work. Christian waved to him when he came in, but was in the middle of a long order and so Syed took a seat in a corner and was served by another waiter. He bought an orange juice and waited for Christian to be a little less busy. It seemed to Syed that everyone was drawn to Christian like moths to a flame. Women and men alike laughed with him and wanted to be near him. It was obviously a gay haunt, although not exclusively. One guy in particular seemed to be vying for Christian's attention. He was tall and very good looking, dressed immaculately and obviously had a good physique. Before Christian, he was the kind of man Syed would have found attractive. It seemed to Syed that Christian was paying him more attention than was necessary. Christian had that incredibly sexually charged, flirtatious smile going on as he bantered with the guy, taking his order and laughing at whatever the man was saying to him. Syed was filled with jealousy and while Christian's attention was still elsewhere he left the bar and went home.

When Christian got back later that evening he was met with Syed's quiet fury. "You're late," Syed said as he came through the door.

"Yeah, sorry I stopped off to get something to eat. I brought you some – do you fancy some…"

"I'm not hungry."

"Really? Uh…is there something wrong?

No, I just don't feel hungry, is that okay? Syed said aggressively.

"Fine, well I'm gonna heat some up for myself" and he began getting out pans.

"Could you perhaps make less noise with those pans, I've got a headache" said Syed, deliberately avoiding Christian's eyes.

"Look Si, whatever it is, just say it- You're obviously worked up about something. I come in, no kiss, no hi how was work. What's up? You left the bar without even speaking to me.

"You seemed to be quite happy without my company"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Like I said, nothing. I've just got a headache. I'm gonna go out for a walk, I need to clear my head."

Christian came up behind him as Syed was doing up his jacket and slid an arm around Syed's waist

"C'mon Si,"

Syed pulled himself out of Christian's hold

"Get off"

"Si!" said Christian not understanding and reaching for Syed's hand.

"I said leave me alone" and he gave Christian a shove.

"Eh! What _is _going on with you?" said Christian.

All Syed's frustration came pouring out.

"I saw the way you and that guy were looking at each other; you must think I'm stupid!"

"What guy? What are you talking about?

"Six foot two, suit, black hair, tight trousers, the one you were slavering over at the bar." He stood glaring at Christian.

"Syed you're way off mark, I don't even know who you're talking about!"

"You can't help yourself can you Christian? I wondered how long it would be before you reverted to type"

"What?! Syed just stop this now. I don't even know what you're talking about, but whatever it is you got it all wrong, you're not thinking straight!"

"Well I don't think 'straight' anymore do I Christian? Thanks to you."

Christian just stood, looked at Syed and then turned his back.

"I don't know what's got into you but let me know when your headache's gone eh?

Syed left and walked for nearly two hours trying to get the feeling out of himself. He went to an all night coffee bar and sat for another hour still seething, torturing himself with thoughts of Christian flirting and smiling with other men. Much later he went back to the flat. Christian was in bed, lying on his back, fully awake, arms behind his head. Syed got in beside him without a word and turned to the wall.. They lay there like that for some time, acutely aware of each other. Then Christian turned, lay behind Syed and said quietly,

"Syed, there's never gonna be anyone but you- you must know that? After all we've been through to get here. But I can't not be me. I smile, I talk to people."

When Syed didn't respond he moved closer so he was now touching the back of Syed's leg with his own.

"I'm in love with you" he whispered

He put his hand on Syed's thigh and ran it down its length. Syed felt his whole body respond as if every bit of him was magnetically drawn to the body behind him. His breathing became heavier as Christian stroked him and still he couldn't bring himself to turn

"I'm in love with you Syed" Christian could feel Syed's body melting under his hands. He kissed Syed's back, his waist, running his hands lightly over Syed's buttocks, his balls. Syed breathing became heavier, his mind stopped fighting and he turned his head back to look at Christian. They kissed. A deep, tender kiss, drinking each other in. Syed turned fully on his back and Christian put one leg across him, lay half over him so they could both feel the stiffness and desire of each other. Christian made love to Syed with every bit of finesse he possessed, giving himself wholeheartedly and Syed made love back, holding nothing back. They lay there after, bodies still raw with the feel of each other, tiny pulses flickering here and there, connected once again.

Syed said, "I'm sorry, Christian, I just get so jealous, I think I've been getting jealous from the first day I kissed you."

"Sy, you worry too much, I'm not going anywhere."


	7. Chapter 7

_Shabnam is going to be a pivotal character later in this fan fic as Christian and Syed have much more to face yet_ -

_Thanks for feedback/reviews_

Chapter seven.

Shabnam arrived back in Walford three weeks before Christmas. She was shocked by her mother's appearance. Zainab was very obviously pregnant now but her face had lost weight and she looked drawn and tired. She was lifted hugely by Shabnam's company and slowly she started behaving more like her old self. Tamwar was relieved, it took the pressure off him and though he loved his mum dearly, he had always understood his father better. He and Maz were able to relax a little. Relations between Zainab and Massood weren't that much improved but at least they were civil to each other. Neither was ready to have the conversation that must eventually come. They had both said hurtful things when Syed had left that day and they would have to address the hurt they both felt at some point. Time passed, allowing emotions freedom to settle unhindered and thoughts to level and become clearer. They both still had a great love for each other and at some point, as both Tam and Shabnam knew, their father would reach out and their mother would be relieved that he had. That was the way it always seemed to go with those two.

They all still avoided the wider community and naturally people filled in the things they didn't know with gossip and conjecture. The departure of Syed and Amira raised many an eyebrow, some wondering if they had run off to live together. Only Bushra had guessed at anything that resembled the truth and for once she felt enough shock to keep her thoughts to herself, not sure if she was right anyway. She had called Zainab but the Massoods always seemed too busy to see anyone these days and Zainab had talked doggedly on about Shabnam and her travels until Bushra knew there was no point in pushing for information about Syed..

Neither Tam nor Shabnam mentioned Syed's name to their parents, but when they were alone together they discussed the whole issue at length. Tamwar was furious with his brother. Although he was personally not homophobic in the slightest, he had always resented the way Syed managed to command everyone's attention. Even now when he was gone and no one even mentioned his name, Tamwar felt marginalised. Syed may not be there, but he was still managing to occupy everyone's thoughts. He'd always been jealous of Syed; of his charm, his self assurance, of his ability to attract women. But it was Amira that had really fuelled Tam's anger toward his brother. He thought Amira was a goddess, fancied her like mad and felt unable to comprehend how anyone could have had someone so perfect and let them go. He felt angry on her behalf, fancied himself as a bit of a Knight protector and he would happily have duelled at dawn if that's what it took to show her that he at least realised she was a true princess. The gay thing, he said to Shabnam, just seemed weird when it was your own brother and with Christian.. urghh, he didn't get it.

Shabnam was far more sympathetic. She understood the constraints of their faith and secretly she felt that Syed had been very brave, although she couldn't say it was the right thing to have done. She alone, of all the family, wanted to see Syed but she knew she would have to do it secretly and she wasn't even sure how to find him.

Just before Christmas, a letter arrived with Syed's handwriting addressed to Zainab. Massood would have thrown it away if he'd checked his own post as he'd place it on the table, but he was hurrying to work and left the pile where it was. Zainab who had a headache and was lying quietly upstairs, called to Shabnam to bring the post up. Shabnam had a quick look through to see if any of her friends had written and recognised Syed's writing. She didn't give it to Zainab but instead hid it in her bag, feeling guilty but justified. Her mother and father didn't need anything more to divide them right now.

She kept it almost a week before curiosity overcame her reticence at opening her parent's mail.

_Dear Mum,_

_I write this letter because I need to tell you that you and dad have always been the best of parents. The best anyone could wish for. I know I have brought you shame and if I could take away the pain I have caused you, if I could have found a way to spare you it, I would. I write this letter with a heavy heart. I can hardly imagine never seeing you again__. Believe me, I am paying for what I have done with the loss of my family. But I truly believe only Allah can judge me and when the time comes I will put myself in his hands and face him. I beg you please don't hate me and please try and find it in your hearts not to hate Christian. I know you won't hear this but Christian has taught me to be a better man. I have spent my life running. Lying and wriggling my way out of situations because I didn't have the guts to face up to the consequences of my actions. Christian has helped me to be more honest, to be brave and to think of others. He did not corrupt me. I made the first step toward him. I know you may never understand this, but I love him with all my heart. I could never have made any of you happy living a lie. I ask for your understanding if not your forgiveness. _

_Syed _

There was no address but there was a phone number.

**There will be chapter eight of this fan fic up before christmas**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter eight

A week later Shabnam got the letter out and rang the number. A man's voice she didn't recognise answered. She realised this must be Christian. She felt immediately awkward.

"Hi, I'm just trying to get hold of Syed?"

"I'm afraid he's not here right now, can I take a message?"

"Yes, thanks. Could you say his sister called? I would love to talk to him, but please tell him not to phone the house." she said hastily. "I'll call again. When's he likely to be in?"

"He's usually back just after six. Can I tell him you'll call again this evening?"

"Yes, I will. Is this Christian I'm speaking to?"

"It is"

"Well, Hi Christian, nice to talk to you, I'm Shabnam. Look, things are a bit delicate at home right now. But I really do want to speak to him. How is he?"

"Yeah, he's okay-but I know he misses his family- it's not been it easy… Could they really not find it in their hearts to accept this?"

"It's not going to happen right now Christian. To be honest with you, it might never happen. It's a massive thing in our culture to have made such a step I don't know if they will ever accept it. It is not just about him you see. The choice he has made affects us all. But I respect his courage and I want him to know I love him and am thinking of him."

"Shabnam, it'll mean so much to him…I worry about him"

"Why?"

"He's just… isolated here. We're happy, but I sense he feels cut off. I know he's gonna feel better when he speaks to you."

"Well, I'll definitely call him later. Christian, its nice to nice to talk to you. I must go; but I will call back this evening."

"Okay bye "

Shabnam put the phone down. Christian sounded nice enough. However it was still hard for her to imagine her brother in love with a man. If Zainab found out she had spoken to Christian, she would be furious. Zainab blamed Christian for everything.

Shabnam rang again later that evening and this time Syed answered.

"Shabs! Oh, it's _so_ good to hear your voice. How are you? Are mum and dad okay?"

"Syed! So long since I've heard _your_ voice! Ah brother …mum and dad. Well, I'm not going to lie to you. Things have been pretty awful here since you dropped your bombshell. But they are settling down. Mum wouldn't speak to dad to start with but they're working it out. You know how they are. It's been a massive shock for them Syed, you know that, but they have each other, and us. I want to know how _you_ are brother."

"Yeah I'm good. The place we live is great. –It's only temporary unfortunately- but I'm already looking for somewhere else. The job is temporary too-just working in a deli, but once we're settled it will change."

But are you happy Syed, you know with…?"

"I am Shabnam. It feels right... I love him. I've just been lying to myself for so long. I'm sorry for the shame I must be causing you… I know I've hurt you all…"

Shabnam could hear Syed's voice breaking.

"Syed don't, I find the idea difficult I admit, but only because it's you. I do have gay friends and it's never bothered me. It's their choice and frankly none of my business. I respect your courage Syed. I said that to Christian… He sounds nice."

"Thankyou. You don't know how much that means to me" Syed sounded upset again. "Did mum get my letter?"

"I'm sorry Syed I didn't give it to her. It's not the right time, wait a bit and when things have calmed down I _will_ make sure she sees it."

"Is that really your decision to make?"

"I'm sorry Syed, but I'm with them, I know how they've been and I'm telling you, now is not the time."

"Tam hates me; he made that clear before I left"

"No you're wrong. Tam hasn't got any real problem with you and Christian. He… well look, don't be angry with him…but I think he thought a lot of Amira. He's just angry that he didn't have your opportunities. He looked up to you Syed- he always did – he's just jealous because you always did do better with the girls"

Syed shook his head.

"Tambo…Well he doesn't have to worry about that any more."

"No… Look Syed, do you want to meet up? I haven't seen you for so long. I'm going to keep it secret from them, it's best for now. But I want to see you."

"Would you …come here?"

"Let me see you on your own first Syed. But I would like to meet Christian soon. I'll come again. I promise."

They chatted for a good while longer, and later, when Christian came in from his evening shift, he found Syed happier than he'd seen him in a while. It was as if a weight had been lifted from him.

"Heh you. Are you hungry?" Syed said, giving Christian such a happy, loving look, that Christian smiled wickedly.

"Yeah always." he said, leering.

"Christian, you're impossible" Syed laughed "I meant for food as you well know," he said with mock reprove

"Yeah, I could eat-Did you speak to your sister?"

"I did, and she's going to come and see me!"

"Here?"

"No, not this time, but she said she'd like to meet you –she's okay with it… and Tam. It was just _so_ good to hear her."

"I'm glad Sy."

Christian hung up his coat and moved to where Syed was stirring something on the cooker. Putting his arm around Syed's waist, he kissed the back of his neck and rested his head in Syed's shoulder

"I love you "

"Yeah, I don't blame you, I am gorgeous." Syed laughed

"Kiss me then," said Christian. "Turn that food off and come to bed"

Syed switched the cooker off and ducked out of Christian's hold to get to the sink.

"Just let me wash my hands will you! You're bloody insatiable!"

He laughed as Christian grabbed him by the waist again. He turned and holding Christian's face with still wet hands, pulled him into a kiss. He wanted Christian to feel how much he loved him. He'd never been good at saying what he felt to him. They kissed passionately and Syed, all ready hard, felt a sweet ache spreading through his groin.

"I'll never get enough of you." he said

"Good."

The food forgotten, they helped each other out of their shirts and then they were kissing again, Syed thrilling at the feel of Christian's hard body against him. The feel of his warm skin. The smell of him.

"I'm gonna fuck you Christian. I wanna have you. But I got to do something first"

Christian laughed "Sy you're so _nasty_, since when did you start talking dirty!"

"Me nasty? Coming from you! "

He undid Christian's trousers and then knelt to pull them down... He put one hand on Christian's buttocks, stroking and then pulling him closer. Christian was already hard and throbbing and as Syed started to slowly lick him, he moaned his appreciation, burying a hand in Syed's hair. Syed took the whole length of him into his mouth and using his tongue to massage, he pulled Christian even closer, holding him hard and sucking up and down the length of him until Christian felt he could barely breathe, the sensation was so intense.

"Sy I'm gonna have to fuck your mouth in a minute unless you stop that shit."

Syed tightened his hand on Christian's backside and Christian knew that was a yes. He held Syed's head and pumped a few times feeling the back of Syed's throat.

He groaned"Sy I'm gonna come all ready, I can't hold on much longer." Syed pushed his finger into Christian in answer and Christian almost shouted out, "Ohh fuck, fuck, fuck," he said mentally trying to steady himself..

The sight of Syed on his knees, sucking and licking him, head back a little looking up at him now, holding his gaze and the feeling of Syed's finger, pushing into him as deep as he could make it go and moving inside him was sensation overload and he began to shudder as he came. He felt Syed tense as he tried to deal with the force of him, thrusting and coming into the back of his mouth. When he finally pulled away, Syed stood up and kissed him, so he could taste himself.

"Syed I can't stand, my legs are going"

"Come with me then, I haven't finished with you yet." Syed was still hard.

"And you call me insatiable."

"You like it?"

"I love it; just give me chance to get my breath back!"

"I still want to fuck you Christian; I'm running things for once. Lie on the bed, I'll be back in a minute."

Christian lay face down, eyes closed, the anticipation causing him to slowly harden again. Then Syed was there and began to massage oil over his buttocks, between his cheeks, massaging his perineum and Christian started to writhe, his erection stiffening even more.

"Get up on your hands and knees" Syed whispered. "I'm not going to wear anything Christian; I want to feel you properly."

As Syed entered him, Christian felt himself tense, he wasn't so used to playing this role but then, as he allowed himself to explore the feeling that this was Syed doing this to him, he relaxed. He allowed his mind and body to feel what it was like to surrender to sensation and it exited him. Syed went slowly at first, moving deeper into him, savouring the feeling, stroking Christian's back and shoulders, holding his hips and thrusting a little more. The way Christian was moving, putting his head back and moaning sent shivers through Syed's whole body. Christian had no thought in his head but the sensation he was experiencing. Syed wanted to play rough. Christian seemed to have read his mind. "Harder Syed, go on" Syed slammed into Christian with a few quick thrusts and then slowed down, teasing him, forcing his way in as deep he could go, making it long and slow and then again with a few short, sharp thrusts until Christian was breathing hard and moaning his name.

"You like that?" Syed asked, knowing the answer. He reached around to hold Christian and then, "And this?" he said as he drove deep into Christian again. Christian started to jerk and pulse in his hand. "Syed fuck ohhh fuck" Syed began to come and he bent lower until his belly was against Christian's back and Christian let himself fall to the bed. They lay there, hearts pounding, Syed covering Christian's body with his own. Their breathing slowed and Syed pulled the cover over them.

"Ill never let you go Sy, you've no idea what you do to me." Syed moved and they lay looking at each other. Christian reached out to stroke Syed's face. He looked serious.

"I hope I keep making you happy…Maybe one day you'll marry me" There was a question in Christian's statement.

Syed's mood changed instantly, his face closed a little.

"Christian, you know I love you, but marriage between two men? It can't happen. I am a Muslim. It wouldn't be right. Don't be hurt," he said seeing Christian's face. "I was brought up to believe certain things. We've been through this before. I'm still struggling just being with you."

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm just sometimes afraid I'll come back and you'll have changed your mind."

"That won't happen. Anyway, get me a nice ring and I'll wear it for you." Syed said with a smile. "You know I'm yours."

They slept for a few hours and woke as it was getting light.

Syed's answer was still in Christian's mind, as if they had only just had the conversation. He was aroused by the thought of Syed offering to wear his ring. He ran one hand down Syed's chest.

"Roll over so I can lie behind you." He whispered

He wrapped himself around Syed, stroking him, positioning himself so it was as if Syed were sat in his lap. Syed could feel Christian hard against his backside

"Go on Christian, do it."

"Is this what you want?" said Christian slowly pushing into Syed, feeling him relax and his body making way. Syed's breathing started to come faster. "Yeah" He almost sobbed as Christian went deeper, thrust harder. Christian lifted Syed's leg and held it firm so Syed felt as if he were in Christian's control. Christian slammed into him. They were both moaning now, Syed unable to do anything but focus on his body and how hard Christian felt inside him.

"Touch yourself Sy, go on fuck yourself."

"Okay," Syed said it as if he were talking to himself, trying to maintain some control over his body. "Okay"

"Go on." Christian was pulling Syed's head back now, holding his hair, keeping Syed's leg up so he felt exposed.

"I'm gonna come Sy"

Syed felt as if he were coming apart. He was tightening around Christian and coming at the same time. Christian kept moving inside him even when they were both wet and slippery from each other. They curled up together, both a little sore. Syed could still feel where Christian had been, his body still retaining the sensation of penetration. As Christian wrapped one arm around him, Syed tried to push the thoughts that still came into his mind once his passion was sated, that still plagued him almost because of the bliss that Christian made him feel.

God was watching.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter nine.

_Life in the Masood household __was still tense. Zainab was tired with the pregnancy and she relied more and more upon Shabnam to help her run things. Masood and Zainab had not talked properly since Syed's departure and they were living alongside each other rather than together. There were often difficult silences between them and when they did talk it was to snap at each other. Tamwar spent even more time in his room on the computer and Shabnam got tired of trying not to say Syed's name in conversation. She decided to go and see him._

Shabnam rang Syed and arranged to meet him that day after work. It wasn't much over an hours journey but she would be gone all afternoon, and some of the evening and needed a good lie to tell her mother, who always wanted to know everyone's movements.

"My friend Mel called mum. I think I'm going to go and see her this afternoon. You can do without me today can't you? She's just got back from Malaysia."

Melanie was a friend Shabnam had met while travelling. Zainab therefore knew the name but very little else.

"Who is this Melanie? I hope she is a decent girl."

"Of course mum. I would just liked to catch up and hear about Malaysia"

"I hope y_ou're_ not thinking of going off again"

"Not for now mum. I'm enjoying being back here with you."

This was true. Things had changed in the house since Syed had come out. The power balance was different. She didn't feel quite so hemmed in as she had before. Her mother had so much on her mind; she didn't focus so much on every move Shabnam made.

"Well, just don't be too late. I worry about you in that car on your own."

"I'll be fine mum, don't worry, I'll call you and let you know when I'm on my way home, okay?"

"Okay bye. Tamwar!" Zainab called up the stairs.

Shabnam smiled. Tamwar's turn.

Later that day as she was walking to meet Syed after parking her car, she realised that she actually felt nervous, as if somehow she might not recognise Syed. That he might be different. She saw him before he saw her. He was standing by the cinema where they'd arranged to meet, talking to a tall, good looking man. She wasn't near enough to hear their conversation but it was obvious they were saying good bye and as the tall man went to leave, he ran his hand down her brother's arm. Shabnam knew instantly this must be Christian. She didn't know what she felt. She could see even from a distance that that the two of them were intimate. Syed's eyes never left Christian, watching him as he walked away. Shabnam waited a little until Christian had turned the corner and then walked over to where her brother was waiting.

"Shabnam!" He reached for her hand and the smile he gave her was one of pure happiness.

"Wow you look beautiful! It's so good to see you. Would you like a drink? C'mon I know a great place we can go."

Once they were sitting in the corner of the coffee house and Syed had listened to Shabnam talk about her travels their conversation turned to what was on both their minds.

"How are mum and dad?"

Shabnam sighed.

"They are struggling Syed They can not accept it. Not now, not yet."

"I miss them"

"I know and maybe in time it will change but to be honest Syed, what did you expect?"

Syed just shook his head

"Have you made the right choice?" she asked.

"For me yes, but sometimes I feel so selfish. I've even thought I should have tried harder with Amira, tried to make a go of it, I did love her but…"

Syed struggled to say the next words even though his sister was the only member of his family he knew he could talk to.

"I'm gay. I have felt very guilty and ashamed but I have looked on the internet and found other Muslims like me. It's helped talking to them through the forums. But without my family? I can't accept this is it; I will never see them again. I couldn't lose Christian though Shabnam, I love him"

"But you could lose us?"

"Don't." Syed's eyes filled with tears, as did Shabnams.

"There are still moments where I imagine myself coming back…saying it was all a mistake, and picturing dad and mum happy with me. I wish I wasn't this way. If I'm honest there are still times I find it hard to accept myself. If I could…"

"Do you really love Christian that much?"

"I do, Shab, he's the most amazing person. I'd love you to meet him."

Syed was tentative about saying what he felt about Christian; he'd had no one else to talk to since the whole affair began. He could see that Shabnam was not judging him and so he continued.

"I gave him such a difficult time because I just couldn't accept it about myself and I was afraid. He was so patient and loving and stood by me whatever I threw at him. Even though I _still_ wish I was straight, it feels right when I'm with him. I feel like I'm able to relax and be myself. With Amira…I felt proud that someone so beautiful wanted me but inside I had shut down. I would have made her unhappy. I just hope that when the time comes, God will give me the acceptance and forgiveness I can't give myself."

Syed looked upset again

"Oh Syed, I don't know what to say to you. Are you sure this life is really what you want? You are losing so much. You say you loved Amira…Maybe you are bi? Could you not explore the part of you that could love a woman and just ignore the rest?"

"I've tried . It's true that Christian is the first man I've loved. But he's not the first man I've desired or been with. I can love a woman, like I love a sister or a friend, but I couldn't be a husband to a woman and make her happy. I am not bi Shab, I know it. It just doesn't feel right with a woman."

"I wish things could be different."

"Do I disgust you?"

"Syed no! It's just hard to understand. I'm being selfish. I hate to see how it has affected mum and dad, but you're my brother I love you as you are, nothing is going to change that."

"Shabs, I'm _so_ glad to see you. You have no idea how much better you've made me feel."

Later when they said their goodbyes, Shabnam promised she would come again and maybe to the flat the next time.

* * *

When Shabnam got home later that evening, Zainab was sitting at the kitchen table with Syed's letter in her hand.

"How dare you keep this from me and since when did you start opening my mail?" Zainab kept her voice low but she was furious.

"You've been searching through my bedroom. How dare _you_ mum?" Shabnam had always used counter attack as her defence against her mother.

"Maybe I need to! What else are you keeping hidden from me? Where did you go today? Tell me the truth. You saw him didn't you?"

Shabnam looked at her mother and couldn't lie.

"Yes, I saw him. He's my brother mum. I needed to know he was all right."

"And was he?"

"Yes mum. As well as anyone could expect."

"Well I am going to see him myself and your father must not know. Do you understand me? It must be our secret. No one must know."

"Mum, is that a good idea? You and dad are all ready not right and I know you. I hope you are not going to cause trouble with Syed."

"I will phone him Shabnam. He has a choice no? Just as long as that man stays away from me, Syed and I will talk. After what I have to tell him he may come to his senses."

"That's just what I mean mum. You can't go there and start trying to force him into anything. He is a grown man."

"You listen to me Shabnam. You say he's your brother? Well he's my _son. _This letter with his phone number was addressed to _me. _I have a right to fight for my son. I gave birth to him, I watched him grow. What has that disgusting man got to give Syed? We are his family. I know my Syed. He will see sense. I know it."

"Look mum I understand what you feel…"

"No you don't understand. How could you? You wait until you have children of your own and I hope for your sake that you never have to go through such a thing."

"Mum…being gay isn't some decision Syed has suddenly made. He explained to me mum. It's just the way he is. I don't think anyone can change that."

"Gay! My son! That is ridiculous. Don't let me ever hear you say that word about him again! Syed is lost and somebody very manipulative has taken advantage of his confusion. That is all."

Shabnam phoned Syed and warned him.

"You're not actually going to see her are you Syed?"

"I don't know yet Shab. I'll wait until she calls and decide then."

"Syed! I think it would be better if you said no to her for now. She is pregnant remember and she wants you back in the fold. She will never accept you as you are. You know that! You will just hurt each other. Please Syed, at least wait until she has had the baby."

Later that evening Syed talked about it with Christian.

"Just refuse to see her Sy. You know what she's like. She'll try and manipulate you; she'll try and make you feel guilty."

"She can't make me feel any more guilt than I all ready do."

"Why? You've done nothing wrong!"

"Not in your eyes no. But let's see: I have brought shame on my family, probably condemned a woman to life as an outcast, gone against my faith and committed sins that probably can't be forgiven."

"How can you still call what we share sin? Are you saying loving someone is wrong? What has either of us done to hurt anybody?"

"Look Christian, you know how I think. This is the man you've chosen. We've been through this so many times. Our understanding is different. I _know_ that I have caused hurt. In my religion I am committing a sin. You know too that I'm battling that in myself. I'm trying to help myself. Do you think I want to feel like this?"

"I'm sorry Sy it's just…your mother: You _know_ she'll upset things, upset you."

"My family is important to me and that includes my mother. I want to see her. Maybe I can help her to accept me… and you."

Christian snorted. "Let me come with you then."

"Christian you know that's a bad idea."

"Why? Are you still ashamed to be seen with me?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm not being ridiculous. You think I haven't noticed how you move away from me every time we're out? You still think its dirty don't you? You still wish it would all just go away."

"Sorry if I can't fully embrace my _gayness_ just yet. I've given up everything to be with you!"

Christian couldn't help himself. He found himself saying things he knew were unfair. He understood more than Syed knew but he was terrified of losing him and his emotions were getting the better of him.

"Oh yeah, you've given up _so _much. A family who bully you and a girlfriend who would have bled you dry!"

"Don't you talk about my family like that, or Amira! It's not her fault I'm like this and they are just standing up for what they believe."

"So am I! Every bloody word you say feels like a personal attack… every time we have this conversation you seem to ignore the fact that you're attacking me! Who _I_ am, what_ I_ believe. You don't ever acknowledge _that_ as important. In my belief system you don't persecute someone for who they are! You don't bully them into a life that goes against everything they feel!"

"I've had enough of this conversation. You still don't understand me, the man you _say_ you love. You have pushed me as much as they have. You think this life doesn't conflict with the things_ I_ believe? Its not just about them, it's about _me! _You have pressurised me every bit as much as them."

"I've only tried to get you to be honest with yourself, I love you!"

"So do they."

"I love you as you are, they want you to change"

"No Christian, You love the me that you have sex with. You don't love a Muslim man called Syed Masood. You love Syed who can't help who he is and who he loves. You still don't get it."

"Okay, I don't get it! Dear god we've just spent so much time battling. Can't we just forget everyone else and concentrate on what we've got? Every time we talk about your family we're back to you feeling ashamed. It was only two days ago you were offering to wear my ring. I can't keep up with it Si. Its straightforward for me-I love you, you bowl me over, you're 'it,' you're the one. If I had it my way I'd sing it from the bloody rooftops."

"And I feel the same. I'm trying to make peace with myself, I am. I'm sorry if it's too slow for you."

Christian pulled Syed to him and they held each other, rocking slightly, both holding on tight as if they might lose each other if they let go.

*We'll be okay Si , I know it."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter ten

_Zainab was woken in the middle of the night with a shooting pain in her abdomen. She felt sick and hot. She and Masood were still sleeping in separate beds. She got up to get water and doubled up in agony as another shooting pain gripped her insides_

"_Maz!" She called, real terror in her voice. She knew that she was losing the baby. "Maz please I need you!"_

Zainab woke up suddenly, still gripped by a feeling of terror. As she became aware of her surroundings, she realised she was in hospital. Masood was asleep in a chair next to her bed. She loved him so much. She was tired of fighting. She knew the baby was lost. As she looked at Masood she felt the tears coming and she wanted to scream her pain.

"Maz" she whispered "Maz!"

He woke up and instantly reached for her hand.

"Zee? How are you?"

"Maz, I'm so sorry" she said the tears streaming down her face.

"Oh Zee don't! Shhhh The most important thing is that you are okay. I was so afraid when I found you. There was _so_ much blood and…." He couldn't continue.

"We've lost our baby Maz."

A nurse came in.

"Ah Mrs Masood... How are you feeling? Do you need any pain relief?"

Zainab felt so full of pain she couldn't distinguish how much of it was physical. Her head was throbbing horribly. She found out later that she had hit her head as she passed out on the bedroom floor

"I just want to go home."

"Not yet I'm afraid Mrs Masood, we need to keep an eye on you. We don't want any complications- and you've lost a great deal of blood. You need to discuss the possibility of a D and C with the doctor...Just rest for now. The doctor will be round to see you within the next hour or so, he can tell you more. Are you okay Mr Masood? You're welcome to stay of course."

"I'm fine thanks"

"There is a coffee machine down the hall."

When she had gone Zainab looked at her husband.

"Maz, I got a letter from Syed"

"Zee, do we have to go there now?"

"He was our baby too" She started crying again.

"Okay Zee. I'll tell you something. I've been going to a group I found out about. I didn't know what else to do. They support parents with gay children. Maybe we can go together?"

"Yes"

It was the first time Zainab acknowledged the truth. She could do anything with Maz' support. Emotion took her then and as Masood held her they both wept, for the little one they would never hold but also for their eldest son who was lost to them.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter eleven.

_Shabnam rang Syed to tell him._

"I'm sorry Syed. I thought you ought to know. Mum is still in hospital. Dad isn't sure when she'll be home. They're keeping her in tonight."

Syed was horrified. He felt that somehow it was his fault. He had been the cause of the stress the family was under. Maybe it was God's punishment. He couldn't think straight. His mind kept running over all the ways he'd failed them. He couldn't even call to see if she was okay.

When Christian came in that evening he found Syed packing a case

"What are you doing?

"I have to get away Christian. I need some time to think."

Christian could feel the panic rising in him. He'd been here before. This couldn't be happening.

"Think about what?"

"Look mum's in hospital, she's lost the baby. I just can't do this any more, it's too difficult. I can't even go and see if my own mother is all right. I can't go on with it, I feel like I'm being torn in two."

"You don't mean that! Please Syed! I'm sorry to hear about your mum, but it's not your fault. Remember what you said yesterday? I know it's difficult but…"

"You don't know anything!" Syed said viciously. "I need to get out of here."

He did up the case and looked at Christian like he was the enemy.

"Syed please! I'm begging you, don't do this. We'll go and see your mum, send her flowers…"

"Christian, you'll never understand!"

The only way Syed was able to leave Christian was to make him the problem and to do that he had to make himself believe it.

He started to head for the door.

"How long are you going to be gone?" Christian felt like his chest would explode with pain.

"I don't know if I'm coming back Christian. It's too hard for me. This is not my life. I've tried. I can't do it."

"Listen to yourself Syed! You're just in shock because of your mum. Don't do this! I love you, you said you loved me!"

Christian held Syed's arm.

"Take your hands off me!" Syed couldn't allow himself to listen to Christian or look him in the eye or he'd never go.

"Syed Please!" Christian was distraught.

"I said; take your hands off me!"

Something broke in Christian then. He stepped back, held his hands up. His face was mask of pain. He'd fought so hard for this relationship, invested all of himself, taken every rejection and had kept coming back for more. He needed Syed to fight for _him_, to fight his own internal battle and to choose his truth. Christian had thought, when Syed told his parents, that that was it, he'd made his choice. It wasn't so. He looked at Syed and saw torment in every line of his body. Syed couldn't look at him.

"You do what you have to do. I can't fight for you any more."

Syed closed the door. He didn't look back.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter twelve

_Part one. __Syed stays in a bed and breakfast that night and debates on whether to risk going to Walford. Christian is heartsick._

Syed stayed in a bed and breakfast that night. It was a dingy, cheap place that smelt damp and was not particularly clean. He hardly registered his surroundings. He was in a state of complete mental and emotional torment. He couldn't stop thinking about his mother and father and what they must be going through.

He thought of how they had loved him no matter what and of how he had repaid them. He, their firstborn son had stolen money, lied to them and ruined their business, and then, when they had taken him back and trusted him again, he had shamed them, his religion and his bride to be, by his need for sex with men. He was a disgrace to his family name. His parents had done nothing to deserve such treatment and now his own little brother or sister was taken from them. He was in such a state of self hate, his mind created a new reality, an alternative truth that wouldn't allow him to dignify his feelings for Christian with the word love. He had _told_ Christian from the beginning, had tried to stop Christian from getting to him, but Christian had pushed and pushed, got under his skin. Christian was such a forceful character. In his mind now, all he could see was two people in an act of selfish self- fulfilment. His view on the past few months was coloured by this way of thinking. His guilt over what he had done to his family required complete denial of his and Christian's relationship. At the thought of Christian he was almost engulfed by a wave of sadness, but he wouldn't allow himself more than a fleeting moment of this feeling. He pushed it away into the recesses of his mind and in its place he filled his thoughts with how if it wasn't for Christian he could probably have kept his sexuality a secret. Maybe got some back alley relief from time to time with faceless men in the way he had before. This would have only hurt him, not his entire family. Maybe, if he'd tried harder with Amira, he could have made a go of it. There had been possibilities but because of his selfish choices he had closed the door to them all.

He slept fitfully, and whenever he woke it was to return to a constant internal dialogue until he was utterly exhausted. He had to do something. As yet he couldn't see a way forward, but he would stay in that room until he found the answers.

* * *

Christian felt like he was breaking inside. He couldn't contemplate being without Syed, not now, not after everything they had gone through. He felt as if he had lost a part of himself, as if he were not complete. He stayed in the flat for days, hoping that Syed would call, that he would realise he couldn't be held responsible every time something went wrong with his family. Shabnam called and Christian wept over the phone to her. He couldn't stop himself.

"He's not here Shabnam. He's been gone for days. I have no idea where he is. He believes it is all his fault."

"Believes what is his fault? Christian what's wrong?"

"Your mother losing the baby. I'm sorry. He thinks it's because he's with me. I don't know what to do. He's gone…"

Christian couldn't continue

Shabnam didn't know what to say. She was embarrassed by Christian's distress and worried about her brother.

"Christian, don't cry," she said awkwardly. "Take my number. When he comes back, please, ask him to ring me… If I hear from him first what should I say?"

Christian was silent and then he said,

"It's best to leave it. He knows where I am. I'm sorry for your family's loss. I really am. If I thought it'd be welcome I would send my deepest sympathy to your mother and father, but I know what they think of me. I better go. Thank you Shabnam, Syed is lucky to have you."

Christian couldn't talk any more. He felt sick.

Roxy called one evening a few days later and Christian answered hoping it might be Syed.

As soon as he heard her voice he closed his eyes, exhaled his disappointment.

"Rox. Heh, how are you?"

"Christian you don't sound right. Are you okay babe?"

"I'm sorry Rox." Christian could barely summon the energy to be coherent. "I just …." He breathed deeply trying not to break down again "Syed has gone."

"What do you mean gone? What…left you? I saw him yesterday in Walford Christian."

"What?!"

"Yeah, he looked terrible. He said he couldn't stop, he didn't really speak. That's why I phoned. I wondered if everything was okay with you two. What's going on babe?"

"Where did you see him?"

"He was outside the station. He obviously didn't want to talk. Christian what's going on?"

"Ohh Rox… I can't really go into it all right now… I don't understand some of it myself. He's gone, that's all and I don't think he's coming back."

"Christian that man loves you."

"Maybe you're right but not enough Rox. There's me and then there's everything else. He's not happy and I can't fight for him anymore. Self preservation. I'm on my knees; I can't go through this any more. Look can I phone you… tomorrow maybe? I'm not really any good for conversation. I'm sorry Rox; I'm just no good right now."

"Oh Christian I wish I could be there to give you a hug All right darlin' but phone me _soon_ all right 'cause if you don't I'll be on the next train. I can't stand to think of you alone up there. Amy sends kisses. Christian I swear he'll be back. He loves you."

"Don't Roxy...Look you take care okay? Speak soon. Kiss Amy for me. Bye"

_Part two._ Coming soon- Zainab_ is back home from hospital and she and Maz are living like husband and wife again. There is something however that Masood has not told her. Amira's father has been in contact with him. He has sworn to hurt Syed for bringing shame upon his daughter and has also demanded money from Masood to buy his silence. If Masood can not find the money, he has threatened to expose the truth about Syed to their Muslim community. Masood has not told any of this to his family._


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 _Hope you are all enjoying. Please review the story Thank you very much!!_

Syed pretended he hadn't seen Roxy as he walked out of Walford station. She saw him though and called out.

"Syed! Where's Christian? Oh my god I haven't seen you two for ages…"

Syed cut her short.

"Christian's not with me Roxy, I'm here alone. Look I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude but I can't stop right now."

He walked away quickly not looking back. Roxy called after him,

"Say hi to Christian for me won't you?"

At the mention of Christian's name, Syed felt sick His body instantly ached for him, but his thoughts were still full of the voices of condemnation.

He had barely slept for two nights and was not in a good state. He had phoned Shabnam's mobile and he knew his mother was now home from the hospital, but Shabnam had asked him not to come as she felt it would upset everyone. He came anyway but didn't go to the house, sleeping in another dingy bed and breakfast. He didn't know where to turn. He had wandered along the high street that first morning back in Walford like a man lost. His mind was in turmoil and the lack of sleep wasn't helping. He felt unclean. He sat on a bench and put his head in his hands. He felt like an outsider. He was no longer part of his family. God had turned his back on him. He knew if he was honest, that Islam wholly condemned him. That there was really no other interpretation; Islam clearly stated that homosexuality was one of the worst sins, punishable by death. It was seen as the road to endless torment of the soul.

Syed felt as if he had entered that torment from the minute he had met Christian. Until Christian, he had had feelings and sometimes he had acted upon them, but he had asked for forgiveness and told himself each time that it wouldn't happen again. Christian was different. His feelings for Christian consumed him. Christian had entered his mind and heart in a way no other person, man or woman ever had. He remembered a line he had read in a text condemning homosexuality on the internet. He had been reading site after site trying to find anything that could support him. Anything that might help him understand the nature of the love he felt. He needed something to help him find the strength to stand by the truth of his feelings. What he and Christian shared had the quality of something beautiful and precious, why was it so sinful? He found neither support nor understanding. Nothing that gave him peace. Only condemnation and revulsion. The line had read, 'the sperm of his partner takes over his heart and soul as poison takes over the body." He _felt_ poisoned. He felt as if he couldn't make any decisions any more, that he needed help, but had no idea where he could go or who might listen. He stayed in the bed and breakfast for six nights and barely slept any of them, punishing himself by virtually not eating and obsessively thinking about what he believed he had done to his family.

Waking up on his seventh day in Walford, he decided to go to Mosque. He would pray for help. He would keep praying until that help came. He would turn to God. Only God could help him... He washed properly for the first time that week, shaved carefully and put on fresh clothes. Leaving the bed and breakfast he walked quickly, with purpose, one thought in his mind.

Qadim was coming out of the tailors and saw him crossing the street. Making a quick phone call he followed Syed, making sure he was not seen. Syed barely noticed his surroundings. He had only one purpose, to meet with God. Within minutes, a silver BMW with blacked out windows pulled into the main street. Driving past Syed, it pulled up a few hundred yards ahead. As Syed reached the side of the car the back and front doors opened and two men got out and began to walk either side of him. One of the men moved in right next to him and Syed felt something hard push into his back

"If you call out I'll fucking kill you."

"What?!"

"That's a gun in your back, so you stay calm and you won't get hurt – my friend would like a little talk with you so keep walking. In a minute, a car will pull up and we will get in it okay? If you pull anything I'll kill you. That's a promise."

Syed felt his body go into panic. He'd had so little food or sleep the whole thing seemed completely surreal. He could barely take in what was happening and before he knew it, the car pulled up and he was in the back seat. The guy with the gun now held it openly at his head.

"So Syed!" said a voice from the front of the car.

"Mr Shah!" Syed recognized Qadim's voice instantly.

"You know Syed I always knew there was something not quite right about you. Now I know just how right I was. My instincts never fail. I have met many types of men in my life Syed and I had my suspicions from the moment I set eyes on you. Amira is not feeling so good by the way. That girl loved you. Too bad for you. As far as I am concerned Syed, she had a lucky escape. Sadly for you she feels different. She is very upset. You hurt her. You must have lied to her very convincingly. I don't take that lightly Syed. I only have one daughter. In this country it is against the law to do what I would like to do to you to make you understand just how filthy you are. It's a shame because there are other places where I would be applauded for doing God's work. We are here though and I would spend my life in prison and after one visit, frankly I'm not keen to repeat. So what to do? Maybe I could hire my friends here to do the job for me?"

Syed moved and began to speak but the gun was pushed against his skull and the man holding it looked him in the eye and he saw the intent.

"What do you think Syed? What should I do? I can't just let it go. How about that lover of yours? Maybe we should find him first and talk with both of you? Perhaps we should pay him a visit?"

"No!" said Syed

"Such devotion!"

Qadim laughed and the three other men in the car laughed with him.

"It's a pity you didn't show that concern for my daughter. I don't know what to do with you Syed but I can tell you, I really want to hurt you and the filthy dog you've been lying with. How to do it without causing problems for myself?

He shook his head and looked down. After a minute he said,

"Give my friend there your mobile phone Syed."

"Look Mr Shah... "

Syed received a vicious punch to the ribs..

"The phone Syed."

Syed held it out and Qadim took it.

"Now let's call… Christian is it? Yes, lets call Christian and see what he would do to save his filthy loverboy."

"Mr Shah I…"

Another vicious punch split Syed's lip and he felt like he'd got whiplash.

"Syed the rule is, I do the talking and you only speak if I ask you to."

Qadim scrolled through Syed's contacts until he came to Christian's name. Syed's heart was beating and he felt desperate to stop what was happening. He was terrified that Christian might be hurt. Then Qadim was talking and Syed was beside himself. He couldn't collect his thoughts and the gun was pushed viciously against his head again and its owner shook his head and put his finger to his lips.

"Ah hello I wonder, is that Christian I'm speaking to? Ah good. I have a little problem Christian. I have a friend of yours here who is in a spot of bother. Maybe you know him…Syed? No, don't worry he's not hurt, well not yet- Look I'm going to get straight to the point. If you want to see him alive again, you don't talk to any one and I promise you, one whiff of the police and you'll regret it. You don't need to know me Christian , not yet. You come to Crook lane, near Whitechapel Corner and you meet me at the Odeon cinema, tomorrow evening at ten thirty. I promise I won't hurt him, unless of course he does something stupid."

Syed suddenly started shouting.

"Christian no! Don't come! Christian no!"

The blows to his head from the butt of the gun knocked him unconscious.

"Like I said _I_ won't lay a finger on him. We've just had to ask him to be quiet. Just be there. It is not money I want Christian – I'd just like to talk to the two of you together. A little proposition I'd like to make… No police... No one else. I'll see you then…"


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Christian was terrified that Syed was hurt. He tried to dial the number back but it was withheld. He thought about phoning the police but the man had sounded serious, he couldn't risk it. How had Syed got himself into this? Who was this guy? He couldn't think straight. The situation was crazy. He phoned James, the one person he knew he could trust to do as he asked.

"What is going on Christian?"

"I need your help. I wish I didn't have to ask you this, but you're the only person I feel I can trust with this James."

"Christian what is it? Do you need money?"

"No, nothing like that… It's Syed. I think he's in some serious trouble."

"What kind of trouble?"

"I don't know exactly. But the kind of trouble where he might get hurt"

"Christian, you're still not telling me anything. Where is Syed?"

"That's just it, I don't know, he left me a couple of weeks ago ...I hadn't heard from him and then some guy phones up, he's got Syed with him, against his will, and he wants me to meet him- he's got a 'proposition' he says. I mean it's crazy. Like something out of a bloody film. The guy wants me to meet him tomorrow in Whitechapel. I could hear Syed shouting at me and then everything went quiet. I know Syed's hurt. Someone hit him James. I could hear it going on. Syed was screaming at me not to come tomorrow, but I have to. The guy –he sounded dangerous. I don't know what's going on but I need to help him.."

"Christian, are _you_ crazy? Just call the police!"

"Look James if I call the police he's gonna hurt him."

"You don't even know who this guy is, or what he's capable of; you can't walk into this on your own!"

"Well that's where you come in."

"You got to be joking! I don't want anything to do with it. I know you love Syed but this is a situation for the police Christian."

"I told you, I can't do that. Just hear me out before you say no. I have to help him okay? I don't know exactly what I'm walking into. All I want you to do is sit in Jameson's bar across the road from the cinema and just watch –if things look dodgy for me call the police but I beg you, don't let anyone see you and _don't _get involved if things look rough. I can handle myself James, its important that you're not seen."

"Christian, this is madness! Please don't do this."

James, I've told you, the guy said they will hurt him, I can't take that risk. I'm so sorry about what happened between you and me but I love Syed so much, he's …he means everything to me. I have to do something…, I know it sounds crazy, it sounds crazy to me, but what would you do in my shoes?"

Christian stifled the tears he felt welling up, he didn't trust himself to speak.

"Christian? Christian where have you gone? Christian, _okay_ I'll help you of course I will. I'll be there alright? - I'll take registration numbers, everything, but if I don't hear from you within one hour I'm calling the police, okay?"

"Okay –just be there for ten twenty and I'll be there around the same time. Make sure you can get a good position in the bar by the window, maybe go earlier just in case there are loads of people in there. But please, I beg you, whatever happens don't get involved, don't be seen, just call the police and stay put until they come. Promise me."

"Do you know what you're asking me? Not to come and help you if you need it?"

"Yes of course! Because_ someone_ need to be there to witness and speak to the police if necessary. Promise me James! I'll see you tomorrow. I love you dearly you know. See you"

* * *

Christian walked down the narrow lane that led to the Odeon. His heart was thumping. He was terrified for Syed. When he got to the cinema there was no-one outside. He stood, hands deep in his pockets, his back to the wall that ran along the side of the cinema. He could see James in the window opposite but dared not acknowledge him in case someone was watching him. At exactly 10.30 a sleek BMW pulled up alongside the kerb across the road, right outside the window where James was sat.. At that moment Christian's phone rang and Qadim said,

"Get in the car Christian. I am waiting inside to talk to you."

"Where's Syed? Who are you? I'm not going anywhere until I know he's okay."

"He's right here. You can talk to him if you like, here he is..."

"Christian! Why did you come? I..."

"That's enough. You can talk to each other later. I promise you. Now come on Christian, I've kept my side of the bargain. Syed is here and I just want to talk to you, both"

Christian walked toward the car praying that James wouldn't do anything stupid and would take the number plate. The passenger door was opened and Christian got in. Qadim was sitting in the back next to Syed whose hands, Christian could see, were bound in his lap. Next to him a whip thin man with an impassive, bored look about him, was holding a gun and pointing it at Syed's groin.

"Christian…"

You keep quiet for now Syed I want to talk to Christian"

"But I recognize you! You're Amira's father! What the hell is this?"

"Well you see Christian. I've got a dilemma. Syed and you of course, although in a lesser sense, have hurt my daughter terribly. Worse still, Syed here has turned his back on his faith .and committed one of the filthiest sins known to man. There needs to be some justice in this situation. I don't feel right if I don't make him pay for that in some way. A father should protect his daughter. I always knew there was something about him I couldn't stomach and now it all makes sense. I don't feel its right to just let him get away with it. His family too, must feel so much shame. – You, well you are damned all ready but Syed had a chance and he was stupid enough to throw it away. Very foolish. Very, very foolish and now_ I_ have a dilemma. I want the two of you to pay. What do you think is a fair punishment? In my country you might be stoned to death or maybe castration, but of course this is England."

"Please. You talk like we're living in the dark ages!"

"You think I'm joking? I heard of a case only a couple of weeks ago. The young man in question was beaten to death by men who didn't take kindly to his filthy ways. I'm not a murderer. England loves its gay boys, no? Half the judiciaries are gay boys. Public school boy chums don't you know!"

Qadim laughed and the owner of the gun laughed with him. Christian and Syed exchanged a look and Christian gave a tiny shake of his head, willing Syed not to do or say anything stupid. He couldn't see any way to get them out of the situation with the gun in the equation

"So, I think I would just like to hurt you, like you have hurt Amira."

"Mr Shah, Amira wouldn't want this! She cares for Syed and …"

"Speak again and I swear I will let Ahmed here shoot Syed and where that gun's aimed, there'll be no more play for you two boys!"

Christian looked at Syed. He looked battered from the beating he had all ready received. Christian could feel his whole body crying out with his love for him.

"Look Mr Shah. There's something you should know. I forced him. I pushed and pushed. I wanted him so much, but he left me weeks ago. He knew he had made a mistake. He told me he was straight"

"No Christian."

Keep out of it Syed!" said Christian savagely "It was me. I just wanted him so much I wouldn't listen when he explained about his religion. I wouldn't listen when he told me he cared for Amira. I just wanted him and I…"

"Christian!" Syed could barely speak "Stop!"

"No Si, you don't know what you're saying. Don't try and protect me, we both know it's the truth. Mr Shah here knows the truth. You are Muslim. Mr Shah understands better than I ever will. You couldn't turn your back on your religion, or Amira You told me. : You said you'd made a mistake and I accept. I'm sorry Syed, for trying to force you to be something you're not. Mr Shah I'm beggin' you. Let him go, he's suffered enough. If he had some doubt as to what he felt, he's cleared it up and he chose his faith, his family. I just didn't want to accept it…"

Qadim held his hand up to stop Christian talking and Ahmed pushed the gun right up against Syed's thigh.

"Commendable Christian, coming from one so steeped in the ways of the wicked, but I have all ready made up my mind. We are going on a little journey and when it is over you and lover boy here can lie together for as long as you like. One wrong move Christian and I won't be able to stop Ahmed here. He loves to fuck up gay boys, something to do with a nasty experience when he was young, eh Ahmed?!

Ahmed scowled, not happy to have his trauma laid bare.

Qadim called to the driver who had, until now, remained so still and silent Christian had forgotten his presence.

"Drive" said Qadim.

The driver was a huge man. Christian sized him up, all ready mentally preparing for what might lay ahead. He knew James would have taken the number plate and would be calling the police sometime in the next twenty minutes or so. He just prayed it would be soon enough. He was trying to think of some sort of plan but he could see that Syed was all ready hurt and wasn't sure if he could deal with everyone in the car _and_ get Syed out of there. He kept coming back to the gun. If he could just get the gun…but then there may be another gun in the car. He couldn't think clearly enough.

"Where are you taking us?"

"Just a nice little picturesque spot I know"

Forty minutes later they pulled into what looked like a disused trading estate. Lots of empty buildings and rubbish filled yards. Christian was frantically trying to work out if he could wrest the gun from Ahmed, he was so full of adrenaline he felt ready to fight if he had to. A sudden sharp blow to the head from behind and he didn't need to think anymore. Everything went black.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

They lay in the dark. Christian could hear Syed's breathing but it didn't sound right. Half sobbing he felt around in the dark until he could feel a leg.

"Sy, can you talk? Speak to me, please. Are you okay? Where are you hurt? I'm gonna get us out of here Si I promise you. James knows we're in trouble. Someone will come Syed."

Syed seemed to be unconscious. Christian got up and although he felt horribly sick from the blow to his head, he realized that he could walk okay. He couldn't see anything and he felt for a wall. Tripping over something that lay on the floor and cursing loudly he realized it was useless. It was pitch dark and he was terrified he would lose Syed. He got on his hands and knees and followed the sound of Syed's breathing

He found Syed's head and he could feel it was sticky with blood. He was terrified of moving him so he just lay down behind him and tried to keep him warm. A little later Syed suddenly jerked up and started to moan. His voice sounded thick and strange as if he had been hit in the mouth and lost some teeth.

"Is that you Christian?"

"Yes Si I'm here. Don't worry. It'll be okay. We're gonna get out of here"

"Christian I'm so sorry. I didn't want you to get dragged into this, I'm so sorry."

"Shhh Sy don't talk. I 'm exactly where I want to be. Just save your strength."

"Do you think they'll come back? I don't think I can take any more."

"I don't think they're coming back Si. They've left us here to rot. Where are you hurt Syed? Can you move your legs?"

"I think… they're… broken. Christian, I'm so sorry I've been such an idiot."

"Sshhhh don't talk..."

"No Christian, I need to tell you. I've asked god day after day to help me but I can't change what I feel, Christian, I don't care about any of it any more. What does it all mean? You could have died. I love you, more than you know. I've loved you from the day I first saw you. I've tried so hard to stop myself…"

"Syed stop, you don't need to say anything…"

"But I do Christian I need to tell you how much I love you. I need you to understand why I keep pushing you away. It frightens me. I'm so full of love for you I'm half mad with it. It's like I've had a fever from the day we first kissed. If I get out of here I'll never leave you again.. I don't care any more what any one thinks. I don't deserve you. You keep on loving me and I've treated you so badly. Why do you do that? No-one ever loved me like that. Kiss me Christian, I need to feel you. If I'm gonna die I need to feel you next to me- I'm so cold."

Christian was crying, stroking Syed's face as gently as he could. Tracing his fingers lightly over every contour of the face he loved more than any one he'd ever known. He kissed Syed lightly on the lips and they lay there curled up in the dark.

That was how the police found them; both of them unconscious, Syed in a critical condition, with 23 broken bones, including cracked ribs, a broken leg and severe bruising to most of his body. Christian had come off a lot lighter. He'd suffered concussion, cuts and bruises.

When Christian woke up, it was to see James sitting by his bed watching him anxiously.

"James, where is Syed?"

"He's okay Christian, he'll be okay. He's in a bad way but he's survived. Its gonna be okay."

"Thank you James, for everything. I need to see him where is he?"

"His family came and they've moved him to another hospital near them. I told them you wouldn't want to be separated, but Syed's mother was insistent. As soon as you're fit I'll take you there, I promise. I'll go and see him for you if you like and find our how he's doing. You don't need to say anything Christian, you're still my best friend, I love you dearly and I know how much you love him. I understand. You're both so lucky. Qadim was arrested on his way out of the country and Amira has been at Syed's bedside, she was horrified at what her father had done."

Christian could picture the scene. Syed, with all his family around him, and Amira. He knew that that he had lost. He didn't for one minute think Syed would keep to the things he had said in the warehouse. Syed had what he really wanted which was the love of his family and Christian knew that he was not going to fight that any more. He loved Syed with all his heart but he was tired of fighting.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

_Eight months later._

Syed closed the door of his new flat. He had rung James that day and got Christian's new address. He got on the train and an hour later he was standing outside Christian's door. His heart hammering with the anticipation of finally seeing him again, Syed rang the bell. He could see Christian coming through the glass and then he was there, every glorious inch of him.

"Syed! What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you. Are you gonna invite me in?"

"Yeah, sorry, of course, come in. How are you? You look good."

"Yeah I'm good."

They were awkward, neither of them quite knowing how to be with one another.

"Sit down Si, do you want a coffee?"

"Yeah thanks…Christian, I wanted to say thanks for coming that day…I…"

"No problem, I'm glad I did." Christian swiftly changed the subject. "So how are Amira and your family?"

Christian had his back to Syed busy making coffee. Syed couldn't stand it any longer. He'd thought about this moment every day as his body had slowly healed. He hadn't come here for small talk. He got up and stood with his back to the counter, next to Christian. They looked at each other, each of them studying the other, holding each other's gaze.

"I haven't seen Amira since I left the hospital and my family are okay… last time I spoke with them. They know what I am and they still speak to me. It's the best I could hope for." He looked hard at Christian, seeing if he got it, if he understood. Then shaking his head he said,

"I've missed you Christian, why didn't you come?"

"I thought you were where you wanted to be with the people you love, I didn't want to disturb that any more."

"Didn't you hear me that day?"

"We all say things under that kind of stress. I don't want to hold you to anything."

"Christian this is where I want to be. I told you then and I meant it. "

Syed reached out, caught Christian's hand and held it against his chest.

"You feel that? That's yours. I give it to you if you want it. Do you still want me?"

Christian groaned and closed his eyes.

"Syed..."

"Show me then, come here, I need to touch you."

Syed pulled Christian so they were now facing each other and they could feel the hardness of each other. Syed reached up and pulled Christian's head down to his. They stood foreheads touching, chests heaving and then they were kissing with such an intense hunger between them, bruising each others mouths, bodies crying out with their need for this contact , after so long . Syed pulled away and let his head fall back as Christian kissed his neck, licking him so Syed felt his whole body shiver with desire. They kissed again, tongues exploring, invading each other. Christian holding Syed's head, Syed running his hands over Christian's back. Christian pulled away abruptly, he took his shirt off and then helped Syed, pulling his t shirt up over his head. He turned Syed around so he was facing the counter and then he kissed the back of Syed's neck, slowly running his lips and then his tongue along Syed's collar bone, running his hands down Syed's tightly muscled arms pressing his hard cock against Syed's backside, pushing against him until he felt himself leaking with his need for him

"Sy, lets go to bed."

"No stay here, just fuck me Christian."

Syed pulled Christian's hand to where he was aching to be touched and Christian undid his trousers with a practiced quickness, pulling them down and then opening his own, so Syed suddenly felt Christian's hard flesh against him.

"Christian" Syed was desperate to feel him. "Do it now."

Christian was rubbing his saliva between Syed's buttocks, bending him over the counter and Syed opened his legs, allowing himself to let go of tension so that Christian could enter him. Syed cried out with the pain of it and Christian pushed and then it was easy, his body opened like a flower and he pushed back against Christian and the pain was just a dull ache mixed with a sweetness that was building until he thought he would explode with the joy of it. Christian began thrusting deeper, with long steady strokes, one hand in Syed's hair the other on Syed's stomach, stroking lower. He pulled Syed's hand down saying,

"Go on, touch yourself Sy, make yourself come."

Then he held Syed's hand in place, making him rub up and down and thrusting into him at the same time until Syed was moaning and crying out, coming in wave after wave, the force of it making his whole body shake and jerk, Christian calling out as he came inside him, until Syed felt he wasn't sure where he ended and Christian began, he was so open to his lover, so suffused with his being. Christian bent and laid his stomach against Syed's back, staying in him and on him, not wanting to disconnect. He pushed a few more wet, slow thrusts, making Syed feel him, Syed still noisy with every push. Eventually they felt cold and sliding out of Syed, Christian led him to the bed. They got under the covers and faced one another. Syed put his hand up to the face of the man he loved, pulling him in to kiss him some more and feeling himself stiffen again with desire. They kissed long and slow, savoring the feel of each others lips, wet cocks against each others stomachs. Syed rolled them both over so he lay on top of Christian still kissing him, feeling himself quicken again with lust for his man.

"I missed you."

"Are you going to stay this time?"

"Christian I love you; I'm tired of fighting it."

"Good. Come here."


	17. Chapter 17

_Two years later and Christian and Syed have been happily living together back in the Square. They have their ups and downs but their relationship is as passionate as ever. The only real difficulties for them have been Syed's continuing strained relationship with his parents__, particularly his father and the way he has been shunned at the mosque by many members of his community. Christian has done everything in his power to try and understand Syed's feelings, but there are significant differences in their cultural background that sometimes cause misunderstandings between them. The willingness of Christian to always talk about any issue goes a long way to keeping them strong together and helps Syed who is naturally far more reserved about expressing his feelings. He has learnt though, that Christian refuses to let a matter rest if it can be resolved. _

"Morning lover!"

Syed groaned and pulled the covers over his head.

"C'mon Si. Look there's coffee on the side. Don't go back to sleep. Your mum hates it if you're late. There's no point in aggravating her. You know what she's like. I'm going. I've got a client in ten minutes and he needs some serious work. The guy looks like he ate the cake shop."

"Kiss me goodbye then."

Syed sat up, hair dishevelled, looking groggy and stroppy. Christian loved that look and teased him.

"What with that morning breath?"

" Fair enough Mr Fragrant-but if you had any sense you'd dump lard arse and give me an early morning work out instead. I have needs you know and they're not being met."

"Yeah I can see your need through those bed covers but you'll just have to put it on hold 'cause our bills won't be met if one of us doesn't get out there. I'll work on you later"

You better, I'm in serious need."

"You're always in need! I'm gone."

Christian laughed as he left the flat. Syed was insatiable which was just the way Christian liked it.

Syed smiled when he thought of how it would be later. He could never seem to get enough of Christian. The man just oozed sex appeal. In fact it was one of the things that they argued about as Syed couldn't help but be jealous sometimes. Christian had the same effect on men and women alike. Pity some of that natural charm hadn't worked on his mother. Syed sighed thinking of his mother. He was due to meet her in thirty minutes to talk about Tamwar's 21st birthday. Syed knew what was coming. Zainab and his father would not want him and Christian at the family celebrations although Tamwar himself would be furious if he knew they were being asked not to come. Zainab would ask Syed to make up some lame excuse to Tamwar just to preserve the family peace. Tamwar would know exactly what was going on and so the whole exercise was a charade that would become a big issue and once again he and Christian, and in particular Christian would be blamed for causing _indelible_ damage to the family. Syed was sick of it and in particular he found the demonising of Christian impossible to take these days. When he thought of how kind Christian was, how forgiving of his family and their behaviour, he felt ashamed and angry at their continuing lack of understanding. He had changed so much over the two years with Christian. Whilst he would probably never be as 'out and proud' as Christian, he was no longer ashamed of being gay. Christian had shown him true love through impossible circumstances, had never wavered in his support for him and had helped him become confident as a gay man in an often hostile and unforgiving society. He was also more understanding of Zainab and Masood than they deserved, considering their shameful behaviour towards him Syed thought with some bitterness. However, despite everything, Syed still craved his families' love and acceptance.. .

Walking across the square ten minutes later he saw Christian putting his client through his paces and felt his heart beating a little faster as he watched Christian move. 'Phwoar' he thought smiling to himself.

He met Zainab in the park where she took Kamil every week for the swings. Syed loved his little brother with a passion and often he and his mother found that the presence of Kamil helped them both to keep things civil and stopped either of them saying things they would later regret. As soon as Kamil saw his big brother he started running as fast as his little legs would carry him shouting delightedly, "Side! Side!" and as he reached him Syed swung him up over his head. Zainab loved to see them together and often thought with a deep pain what a wonderful father Syed would make if only 'that man' was out of their lives. She still could not accept that Syed had made a free choice to be with Christian. She nursed some half formed, hazy notion never quite allowing it to form into a coherent thought, that Christian had somehow corrupted Syed and taken him down a dark road that he would one day return from. It was more wishful thinking than anything else, for somewhere deep inside, in a recess of her being she rarely consciously visited, Zainab knew her son and knew that he was not only gay, but deeply in love and that Christian was not evil and had in fact brought her son a sense of peace and strength that was not there before. It was impossible for her to consciously acknowledge this however, as it went against everything she had learnt was right.

"Syed, How are you? You look thin. Are you eating enough? What is all this hair? You need a shave and haircut . Do you want a drink?"

"Mum! Slow down!"

He kissed her cheek, and deposited a now struggling Kamil on to her lap.

How are you mum? You look great. How is dad? I'll get the drinks. Coffee?"

He sauntered over to the park café and bought coffee and apple juice for Kamil. Zainab watched him and felt tears coming as they often did around Syed. She loved him so much.

"So mum how have you been? Tam told me Shabnam is arriving back on Wednesday. I can't wait to see her and hear her news."

" I'm sure you will have chance to see her" Zainab said drily, knowing full well that Shabnam would be over at Christian's the first chance she got, both to see Syed but also Christian, who she adored. All of her children seemed to love Christian and that fact meant that she felt a distance from them at times that she wholly blamed Christian for. Even Kamil had called out to Christian the last time she had seen him in the square and she had been furious, knowing that Tamwar must have been with Christian and Syed whilst he was watching Kamil at some point. It had been the subject of another argument with Tamwar who had no patience any more for her and Masood's attitude. He was intelligent and opinionated and whilst he was never overtly disrespectful to his parents he was quietly defiant and not afraid to speak the truth as he saw it.

"Christian is a human being mum. He is the man your son loves and he is a good person. Neither of them deserves to be treated like you and dad treat them and you know it! Apart from loving Syed, what other crime has he committed? You think seriously about the terrible things people do in the name of our great religion: In the name of all religions. His 'crime' does not even compare. One day I hope you have the courage to question yourself on the subject and maybe when you acknowledge the truth, you can help dad do the same?"

Zainab hadn't answered. How could she? It was true that some part of her responded to what Tamwar was telling her, but she was just not able to let go of her conditioning that easily. Besides, as a family they had had to endure the whispers of others in their community and had been outwardly shunned by some of the more militant members of their mosque. Strangely, their strongest friends through all of it had been Bushra and her husband, both of whom had stood beside them and always included them in social events and prayed beside them at mosque. Zainab had seen a different side to Bushra since one of Bushra's own daughters had run off to marry a non muslim. They had formed a new more mutually respectful friendship and she found Bushra had been a great strength to her.

Syed was playing with Kamil but he was eager to get the conversation on to the real reason they were meeting.

"So Mum, I take it that you want to talk about Tam's birthday? You don't want Christian and I to be there?"

"It's not that I don't want_ you_ there…"

"Well that's just not an option mum as you well know. Tambo can see us another time. You don't need to worry, I understand. Christian understands. We wouldn't want to be anywhere we're not welcome."

"It's not that you're not welcome ...It would just cause …trouble. I...I.I don't want it. I can't cope with it. I just want things to be peaceful. There's a lot of family going to be there. Can you not just make an appearance, alone for once?"

"How would that be mum? Really? You know what I'm saying. I'm not willing to small talk rubbish with people when I can see in their eyes what they are thinking of me. Let's just leave the subject. I love you and dad and I wish things were different but I will not disrespect the person I love by always leaving them alone as if they are somehow less worthy than other people. I'm just not willing to do that any more. He is a better man than half the people there what ever you and dad think. I love him, mum"

Zainab shook her head

"I don't need to hear that!"

"Yes you do, yes you do! That is reality. That is who I am. Me. Your son."

Syed stopped himself. He always did this. Let it get to him. Christian had told him time and time again to keep a lid on it with his parents for his own sake. Christian knew how it would be if he was completely estranged from them as he had been at the outset of their relationship. It had taken a lot to get to this point. He must not ruin it.

"Oh Mum, let's just leave it. I'm just happy to see you and Kamil. He looks great. Is he at nursery yet?"

Zainab took the opportunity Syed had given not to continue with the conflict. She too was desperate not to completely lose him again. They spent the rest of their time together talking about Kamil and Shabnam and by the time Syed was ready to leave they were able to kiss and hug with genuine love.

Walking back to the flat Syed was glad that he had not pushed it. Christian was right. He must learn to control himself. He allowed himself to think about his favourite subject remembering that Christian had promised to come back to the flat that afternoon to deal with his 'need.' At least that was one situation where he could forget about controlling himself! He quickened his pace. Christian might be there now, waiting.


End file.
